So to start with, let me tell you the big news! I have returned to the United State and accepted a county wide job in Florida (Yes, just in time for hurricane Dorian!). Yes, after several years of working international (roughly since 1994), I decided that it was time for me to take break for and come back and reconnect with the homeland.
When I accepted the position, I was still in Tbilisi. So I spent the summer with the the family and then flew to the US with the boys and spend a little more with them before school started.
Now in preparation for settling in back to America," I did was return to my parents house and go through all the stuff that I stored in their house and decide what I wanted to keep and take with me and what to discard. This alone was a pretty painful process and probably would have made a blog post of it's own as I am a horrible "pack rat" who thinks at the time "I might need this later on." Of course, this is usually wrong because if you've lived this long without it and time and technology hasn't made it obsolete...you can continue to live without it and trust me, your children won't want it either. Yet, I digress...
I do that and then I'm off to Florida! Now, I really don't have that much time before the new job starts and I need to find an affordable place to live in somewhat close driving distance to the job. I wanted someplace that wasn't too far and someplace that wasn't too close either. This is when I discovered that rent is much higher than I originally thought (apparently, I have been away for awhile). Of course, the real problem is that the conditions are often not very good for the amount of rent asked for. For example, high rent, no security, no laundry (but you can rent old, used machines for additional costs), unfurnished, no utilities, old building, some with mold, some where the doors don't open, questionable neighbors, etc. for about 900 USD and much higher. Icky. I don't want to make too much of an investment before looking at something more permanent.
Now because time marches on and I need to find a place soon and because I was staying a in a place that was an hour and a half from where I was going to work, a lot of apartment hunting was taking place driving an hours and a half from where I was at the time and apartment hunting was becoming...well...frustrating. Actually, I was becoming a bit discouraged by what was available and begin to grab advertisements from realtors and email one named Dave who agrees to meet at the complex that day. Of course, I haven't driven in many years and Florida has changed a lot. Needless to say, I am pretty paranoid driving and frustrated getting lost, so I'm not really paying attention detail markers to where I'm going.
Regardless, I finally arrive at the gated community and tell them that I need to speak to "Dave" and drive in. Kosher. I go to the little property office outside, but no one was there (typical). I see across the path (but still in this same compound) a larger building and assumed it was also offices. It wasn't. It was the entrance to some sort of resort. "Interesting" I thought. I told the receptionist that I was waiting for someone and saw they had free WiFi and so sat down and tried contact Dave and let him know that I was there and waiting.
So as I'm waiting and looking at internet on my phone, some middle-aged woman walks in. She's going swimming and has her towel....and no top on. "Well that's very liberal for conservative Florida" I thought "but you go girl!" As I looked back down at my phone, something outside caught the corner of my eye. It was a couple walking along...naked. Completely naked and smiling. I then I realize something. This gated community is for nudists.
My sudden realization of where I was quickly changed my thoughts of "how liberal Florida was now" and quickly fueled my natural neurotic state of mind to "I should probably leave now" (aka "bolt" to the car and high tail it out of there!) I mean, I know me. The problem was that I really didn't have anywhere to go. I had another appointment, but it would be for a while and I didn't want to drive around or just sit in a restaurant and wait. So, I thought [sigh] "well, I might as well see the place since I'm here. I can always thank him and get out."
So Dave comes (fully clothed) and takes me to the place in a golf cart. Honestly, the residence was really nice. Small, quiet, clean, furnished, utilities included, laundry machines inside the residence, new appliances, 24 hour security in a wall complex (much like the US Embassy in Kabul) within a resort of three swimming pools and a gym on the grounds, walking distance from big stores. I mean, it was pretty much what I was looking for - a "turn key" apartment, which meant that I didn't have to buy a lot of household things that distract from the job, etc. Oh sure, every time I would see my neighbors...I would really SEE my neighbors, but the price and conditions were great. Plus, I'll be working most of the time anyway and so really won't see anyone (or should I say that no one will see me; both of which are good). And it's not at though I'm going to send out holiday cards with my photo on the front of them. Basically, it's kinda like a weird version of Kabul - and honestly, I didn't think much could top Kabul. So, after looking a bit more and thinking about it, I put in my application and security clearance and well...moved...into a nudist community last week.
End of story, right? Not quite.
Remember, I purged a lot of stuff that I didn't need and so I was pretty much moved in after a day. So I'm looking out my windows and it's a beautiful day and I don't want to just sit around the house all day. It's only natural to go explore the grounds and "sub-divisions," but how? I mean, this wasn't exactly like other neighborhoods that I've lived in. But....well...when in Rome, do as Romans, right?. Yeah, easy to say, not so easy to do.
To say the least, the idea of strolling along outside "au naturale" is a bit intimidating. I mean, as I sat there I had that same feeling you have when you see a pool and want to go swimming, but you know the water is cold. So you put your toe in, but it's too cold and you think maybe you won't go, but still you should....So as I sat there contemplating the walk, I finally decided it best just "jump into it" and to strip down and go out. Ok...good....I stripped down; even taking out my hearing aids, grabbed the keys, walked to the door...and chickened out and sat back down.
Inside my head was spinning as half my brain was arguing "what's the big deal? Everyone here is doing it!" and the other half was screaming "Have you looked in the mirror lately?" and "oh yeah These people are naked!" This mental debate continued from the late afternoon into the evening as I paced back and forth from the window to the door imagining what the neighborhood would be like. It reminded me of a scene from "A Shot in the Dark" when Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau is looking a witness to a murder in a nudist colony. He is nervous about going out and takes a guitar with him to cover up. That's when I formulated a cunning plan. The garbage dumpster isn't too far away. I would just walk out holding the strategically placed garbage bag, throw away the garbage. If I didn't faint, I would take a short walk around, but if I panicked, I would run back. So with this in mind, I collected and created garbage to complete my charade, took enough deep breaths to the point that I was lightheaded, but left before I passed out from hyperventilation.
Now, some say that the feeling of going outdoors without clothes on for the first time is "liberating." This, dear friends is true. It is about as "liberating" as it was for Berlin to be liberated by the Soviet Army at the end of World War Two. It was filled with self-conscious panic of the unknown and senses on "high alert" as I looked for a place to hide. To be honest, I'm not really sure why I felt this way. After all, it wasn't as though the neighbors were Druids or members of Wicca and I wasn't volunteering to be the Thanksgiving Day turkey in the local prison. This was a respectable community of honest, hardworking, faithful....nudists. Some former Hippies and some former Yuppies and from all various groups and backgrounds. Yet, I had a twinge of self-consciousness about this.
So I go out and make my way to the dumpster (read that as "beeline it to the dumpster focusing only straight ahead). I honestly don't know if there was anyone outside or not on that street, I just marched out there like daddy's little trooper on a mission. After throwing away the garbage, I pause and take a look around. No one there. Hmmm....so far so good. Time to take a little stroll and build up some courage. Yes! The Emperor's new clothes!
The grounds of this place are nice. It is a normal residential area with homes and condos, lawns, etc. If you looked a photos you wouldn't know what sort of place it was. Apparently, there is a similar place next door that has nature trails, etc. This was not what I was expecting. It wasn't like in the movies. It looked just like any other neighborhood. So I decided to take a walk and explore. I saw a lot of cranes and ibis (which, by the way look a lot more menacing when standing there "tackle out" as the case may be), saw the surrounding woods and even went to the lake on the property.
It was nice. Feeling good. Feeling confident. So I continued to walk around to the opposite side of the grounds.
As I walked on that side, I looked at the houses - some fairly large and expensive and I see a couple golf carts with people go by. "That's nice" I think to myself, although I'm kinda surprised to see so many golf carts as I was expecting most people to be into fitness and walking. I see sporadic gatherings of people enjoying the evening. "Ah...summer nights in Florida!" And then I noticed something about these people and gatherings. They're all...CLOTHED! Everyone is dressed!
"Oh sweet Moses! I'm the only one naked here - in their neighborhood in the middle of their street - not near my place!" Yes, the Emperor now realizes that he's not wearing clothes. It was like a high school nightmare come true.
My first thoughts were "What is going on?!! Did I walk off the grounds somehow?!! Did they say something to me? I'm not wearing my hearing aids" followed by "Oh great! I'm going to be thrown out of a nudist place for being nude! Awesome!" Not knowing what to do next, I continued on my walk as though this was "perfectly normal" anticipating people to come up and stop me, but I thought if you just look like you know what you are doing, people will leave you alone. Of course, rather hard to pull this off when stark naked. Perhaps I would tell them that I was there to check the lawns or was an entomologist investing a new species of cloth eating moths. Fortunately, I did not walk off the grounds. Unfortunately, I was too far away from where I lived to sprint back in sandals, so I trudged on; so embarrassed that I turned such bright red that everyone must have thought I had a 3rd degree sunburn in the evening.
Apparently, where I live is "clothing OPTIONAL" - you don't have to be nude, you just have to be accepting of nudism. Thus, the groups of clothed people were just dressed for the evening and didn't pay much attention for my fashion faux pas. For the record, this little policy gem has now been burned into my brain.
I spent the rest of the walk mentally kicking myself and humming the theme song to "A Shot in the Dark,", when I turned the corner to my street and see a late middle-aged naked couple walking in the opposite direction coming to me. Now, there was this little voice in my head that was saying "don't be embarrassed, there are others who are naked too." Of course, I couldn't hear this because of the other voice in my head screaming "THEY"RE NAKED!!" (now forgetting that so am I) and "They're coming towards you!"
So Linda and Clancy walk up to me and want to talk. Of course, I'm not very comfortable with meeting people...clothed. I am especially not comfortable meeting people...naked. Plus, I'm not wearing my hearing aids so I have to usually lean forward to listen (which I am NOT going to do with the new naked couple in front of me) and so most people interpret my actions as being a foreigner who doesn't speak English well. And so I freeze like I'm being questioned by the police barely able to utter one word answers.
"Hey there! How are you?"
"Uh....good" with my eyes trained on their faces
"You the new neighbor?"
"um...yes" I have never so intensely focused on someone's hairline in my life.
"We live across the street from you!"
"uh....ok" I don't think that I've blinked yet
Now I can see that they are getting a little creeped out by my "peering into your souls" routine and the little voice in my head is telling me to run!
"Well...I'm Linda and this is Clancy"
"uh...ok"
[pause] Oh no! They're waiting for me to introduce myself! What do I say?
"I'm Ja...[cough]" wait! Do I tell them my real name?! I really don't want to talk to them now. I want to be alone and hide under the bed. Inside me I'm panicking. Outside me, I probably look like I'm heroine.
"I'm sorry, what was that? Did you say "Jacques"?" Linda inquires
"what? um...Oui, Jacques" "Wait! Where did that come from? Where are going with this?" my brain begins to scream.
[another pause as Linda and Clancy become even more unsettled]
"Jacques......?" she asks waiting for my family name.
"uh...Clouseau. Jacques Clouseau" WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ok I couldn't think of any other name that went with Jacques.
"Jacques...Cousteau? Like the ocean guy?"
"uh...yes! That's right!" now switching to a horrible French accent "zhust like ze ocean guy." Oh please let a car run me over now. STOP TALKING YOU IDIOT
"um...Well welcome to the neighborhood Jack! Hope to see you around" Clancy says taking Linda by the arm and giving her the "let's get out of here" look.
"ah...merci and you too" giving the double thumbs up.
Great! Week one: Have exposed myself to the world and officially freaked out the neighbors. Check that box and time to move on.
Now a some of you may wonder "but what about Madame DuPont/Clouseau/Cousteau? (who is currently still in Tbilisi while I get things "settled") How does she feel about living in a clothes optional community?" I don't know, but I guess we'll find out when she gets here and I tell her then. So I guess we'll all have to wait for "Part deux." In the meantime, all the best from Paradise!
When I accepted the position, I was still in Tbilisi. So I spent the summer with the the family and then flew to the US with the boys and spend a little more with them before school started.
Now in preparation for settling in back to America," I did was return to my parents house and go through all the stuff that I stored in their house and decide what I wanted to keep and take with me and what to discard. This alone was a pretty painful process and probably would have made a blog post of it's own as I am a horrible "pack rat" who thinks at the time "I might need this later on." Of course, this is usually wrong because if you've lived this long without it and time and technology hasn't made it obsolete...you can continue to live without it and trust me, your children won't want it either. Yet, I digress...
I do that and then I'm off to Florida! Now, I really don't have that much time before the new job starts and I need to find an affordable place to live in somewhat close driving distance to the job. I wanted someplace that wasn't too far and someplace that wasn't too close either. This is when I discovered that rent is much higher than I originally thought (apparently, I have been away for awhile). Of course, the real problem is that the conditions are often not very good for the amount of rent asked for. For example, high rent, no security, no laundry (but you can rent old, used machines for additional costs), unfurnished, no utilities, old building, some with mold, some where the doors don't open, questionable neighbors, etc. for about 900 USD and much higher. Icky. I don't want to make too much of an investment before looking at something more permanent.
Now because time marches on and I need to find a place soon and because I was staying a in a place that was an hour and a half from where I was going to work, a lot of apartment hunting was taking place driving an hours and a half from where I was at the time and apartment hunting was becoming...well...frustrating. Actually, I was becoming a bit discouraged by what was available and begin to grab advertisements from realtors and email one named Dave who agrees to meet at the complex that day. Of course, I haven't driven in many years and Florida has changed a lot. Needless to say, I am pretty paranoid driving and frustrated getting lost, so I'm not really paying attention detail markers to where I'm going.
Regardless, I finally arrive at the gated community and tell them that I need to speak to "Dave" and drive in. Kosher. I go to the little property office outside, but no one was there (typical). I see across the path (but still in this same compound) a larger building and assumed it was also offices. It wasn't. It was the entrance to some sort of resort. "Interesting" I thought. I told the receptionist that I was waiting for someone and saw they had free WiFi and so sat down and tried contact Dave and let him know that I was there and waiting.
So as I'm waiting and looking at internet on my phone, some middle-aged woman walks in. She's going swimming and has her towel....and no top on. "Well that's very liberal for conservative Florida" I thought "but you go girl!" As I looked back down at my phone, something outside caught the corner of my eye. It was a couple walking along...naked. Completely naked and smiling. I then I realize something. This gated community is for nudists.
My sudden realization of where I was quickly changed my thoughts of "how liberal Florida was now" and quickly fueled my natural neurotic state of mind to "I should probably leave now" (aka "bolt" to the car and high tail it out of there!) I mean, I know me. The problem was that I really didn't have anywhere to go. I had another appointment, but it would be for a while and I didn't want to drive around or just sit in a restaurant and wait. So, I thought [sigh] "well, I might as well see the place since I'm here. I can always thank him and get out."
So Dave comes (fully clothed) and takes me to the place in a golf cart. Honestly, the residence was really nice. Small, quiet, clean, furnished, utilities included, laundry machines inside the residence, new appliances, 24 hour security in a wall complex (much like the US Embassy in Kabul) within a resort of three swimming pools and a gym on the grounds, walking distance from big stores. I mean, it was pretty much what I was looking for - a "turn key" apartment, which meant that I didn't have to buy a lot of household things that distract from the job, etc. Oh sure, every time I would see my neighbors...I would really SEE my neighbors, but the price and conditions were great. Plus, I'll be working most of the time anyway and so really won't see anyone (or should I say that no one will see me; both of which are good). And it's not at though I'm going to send out holiday cards with my photo on the front of them. Basically, it's kinda like a weird version of Kabul - and honestly, I didn't think much could top Kabul. So, after looking a bit more and thinking about it, I put in my application and security clearance and well...moved...into a nudist community last week.
End of story, right? Not quite.
Remember, I purged a lot of stuff that I didn't need and so I was pretty much moved in after a day. So I'm looking out my windows and it's a beautiful day and I don't want to just sit around the house all day. It's only natural to go explore the grounds and "sub-divisions," but how? I mean, this wasn't exactly like other neighborhoods that I've lived in. But....well...when in Rome, do as Romans, right?. Yeah, easy to say, not so easy to do.
To say the least, the idea of strolling along outside "au naturale" is a bit intimidating. I mean, as I sat there I had that same feeling you have when you see a pool and want to go swimming, but you know the water is cold. So you put your toe in, but it's too cold and you think maybe you won't go, but still you should....So as I sat there contemplating the walk, I finally decided it best just "jump into it" and to strip down and go out. Ok...good....I stripped down; even taking out my hearing aids, grabbed the keys, walked to the door...and chickened out and sat back down.
Inside my head was spinning as half my brain was arguing "what's the big deal? Everyone here is doing it!" and the other half was screaming "Have you looked in the mirror lately?" and "oh yeah These people are naked!" This mental debate continued from the late afternoon into the evening as I paced back and forth from the window to the door imagining what the neighborhood would be like. It reminded me of a scene from "A Shot in the Dark" when Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau is looking a witness to a murder in a nudist colony. He is nervous about going out and takes a guitar with him to cover up. That's when I formulated a cunning plan. The garbage dumpster isn't too far away. I would just walk out holding the strategically placed garbage bag, throw away the garbage. If I didn't faint, I would take a short walk around, but if I panicked, I would run back. So with this in mind, I collected and created garbage to complete my charade, took enough deep breaths to the point that I was lightheaded, but left before I passed out from hyperventilation.
Now, some say that the feeling of going outdoors without clothes on for the first time is "liberating." This, dear friends is true. It is about as "liberating" as it was for Berlin to be liberated by the Soviet Army at the end of World War Two. It was filled with self-conscious panic of the unknown and senses on "high alert" as I looked for a place to hide. To be honest, I'm not really sure why I felt this way. After all, it wasn't as though the neighbors were Druids or members of Wicca and I wasn't volunteering to be the Thanksgiving Day turkey in the local prison. This was a respectable community of honest, hardworking, faithful....nudists. Some former Hippies and some former Yuppies and from all various groups and backgrounds. Yet, I had a twinge of self-consciousness about this.
So I go out and make my way to the dumpster (read that as "beeline it to the dumpster focusing only straight ahead). I honestly don't know if there was anyone outside or not on that street, I just marched out there like daddy's little trooper on a mission. After throwing away the garbage, I pause and take a look around. No one there. Hmmm....so far so good. Time to take a little stroll and build up some courage. Yes! The Emperor's new clothes!
 |
| Yeah, no fear of me "molesting" an alligator clothed or unclothed |
The grounds of this place are nice. It is a normal residential area with homes and condos, lawns, etc. If you looked a photos you wouldn't know what sort of place it was. Apparently, there is a similar place next door that has nature trails, etc. This was not what I was expecting. It wasn't like in the movies. It looked just like any other neighborhood. So I decided to take a walk and explore. I saw a lot of cranes and ibis (which, by the way look a lot more menacing when standing there "tackle out" as the case may be), saw the surrounding woods and even went to the lake on the property.
It was nice. Feeling good. Feeling confident. So I continued to walk around to the opposite side of the grounds.
As I walked on that side, I looked at the houses - some fairly large and expensive and I see a couple golf carts with people go by. "That's nice" I think to myself, although I'm kinda surprised to see so many golf carts as I was expecting most people to be into fitness and walking. I see sporadic gatherings of people enjoying the evening. "Ah...summer nights in Florida!" And then I noticed something about these people and gatherings. They're all...CLOTHED! Everyone is dressed!
"Oh sweet Moses! I'm the only one naked here - in their neighborhood in the middle of their street - not near my place!" Yes, the Emperor now realizes that he's not wearing clothes. It was like a high school nightmare come true.
My first thoughts were "What is going on?!! Did I walk off the grounds somehow?!! Did they say something to me? I'm not wearing my hearing aids" followed by "Oh great! I'm going to be thrown out of a nudist place for being nude! Awesome!" Not knowing what to do next, I continued on my walk as though this was "perfectly normal" anticipating people to come up and stop me, but I thought if you just look like you know what you are doing, people will leave you alone. Of course, rather hard to pull this off when stark naked. Perhaps I would tell them that I was there to check the lawns or was an entomologist investing a new species of cloth eating moths. Fortunately, I did not walk off the grounds. Unfortunately, I was too far away from where I lived to sprint back in sandals, so I trudged on; so embarrassed that I turned such bright red that everyone must have thought I had a 3rd degree sunburn in the evening.
Apparently, where I live is "clothing OPTIONAL" - you don't have to be nude, you just have to be accepting of nudism. Thus, the groups of clothed people were just dressed for the evening and didn't pay much attention for my fashion faux pas. For the record, this little policy gem has now been burned into my brain.
I spent the rest of the walk mentally kicking myself and humming the theme song to "A Shot in the Dark,", when I turned the corner to my street and see a late middle-aged naked couple walking in the opposite direction coming to me. Now, there was this little voice in my head that was saying "don't be embarrassed, there are others who are naked too." Of course, I couldn't hear this because of the other voice in my head screaming "THEY"RE NAKED!!" (now forgetting that so am I) and "They're coming towards you!"
So Linda and Clancy walk up to me and want to talk. Of course, I'm not very comfortable with meeting people...clothed. I am especially not comfortable meeting people...naked. Plus, I'm not wearing my hearing aids so I have to usually lean forward to listen (which I am NOT going to do with the new naked couple in front of me) and so most people interpret my actions as being a foreigner who doesn't speak English well. And so I freeze like I'm being questioned by the police barely able to utter one word answers.
"Hey there! How are you?"
"Uh....good" with my eyes trained on their faces
"You the new neighbor?"
"um...yes" I have never so intensely focused on someone's hairline in my life.
"We live across the street from you!"
"uh....ok" I don't think that I've blinked yet
Now I can see that they are getting a little creeped out by my "peering into your souls" routine and the little voice in my head is telling me to run!
"Well...I'm Linda and this is Clancy"
"uh...ok"
[pause] Oh no! They're waiting for me to introduce myself! What do I say?
"I'm Ja...[cough]" wait! Do I tell them my real name?! I really don't want to talk to them now. I want to be alone and hide under the bed. Inside me I'm panicking. Outside me, I probably look like I'm heroine.
"I'm sorry, what was that? Did you say "Jacques"?" Linda inquires
"what? um...Oui, Jacques" "Wait! Where did that come from? Where are going with this?" my brain begins to scream.
[another pause as Linda and Clancy become even more unsettled]
"Jacques......?" she asks waiting for my family name.
"uh...Clouseau. Jacques Clouseau" WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ok I couldn't think of any other name that went with Jacques.
"Jacques...Cousteau? Like the ocean guy?"
"uh...yes! That's right!" now switching to a horrible French accent "zhust like ze ocean guy." Oh please let a car run me over now. STOP TALKING YOU IDIOT
"um...Well welcome to the neighborhood Jack! Hope to see you around" Clancy says taking Linda by the arm and giving her the "let's get out of here" look.
"ah...merci and you too" giving the double thumbs up.
Great! Week one: Have exposed myself to the world and officially freaked out the neighbors. Check that box and time to move on.
Now a some of you may wonder "but what about Madame DuPont/Clouseau/Cousteau? (who is currently still in Tbilisi while I get things "settled") How does she feel about living in a clothes optional community?" I don't know, but I guess we'll find out when she gets here and I tell her then. So I guess we'll all have to wait for "Part deux." In the meantime, all the best from Paradise!
