As mentioned, there is quite a bit of training that went on before actually departing for Afghanistan. One of the more fun trainings is something called the “crash and bang.”
“Crash and bang” is when we flew out to a raceway and learned how to drive a variety of military and civilian vehicles. What is interesting about this is that it is like driver’s education class that we had in high school only on “Bizarro world.” You have a team of students trying to un-learn everything a good driver should know i.e. where to hit a car (and we do), how to speed (and we did), weave in reverse (not fun), how to control a skid (I was “ok” at that), how to drive an armored plated car (driving easy…stopping – not so much), etc.
The uber cool thing though was that all the instructors were trained on how to do things like “jack knife” (like in the movies where the car drives at high speed backwards, slams on the brakes, spins around 90 degrees and speeds off in the opposite direction and my instructor did many times) and casually talk to you as they raced around the course at race car driver speed.
Anyway, at the end of the training there is a test. During the test, there are a variety of real life scenarios. For example, turn the corner, and the road is blocked by a car and there is a man with a machine gun – what do you do? Or a car pulls up alongside you and then they pull a gun on you – what do you do? Two cars “box you in” along the road – what do you do? Etc. etc. The student cars take turns being the “good guys” and the “bad guys” with the other instructors driving and the students as insurgents.
I was the second driver from out car to be tested and I watched some of the other tactics and I felt that I was ready for anything: go around curve and be prepared for machine gun or car pulls along and they have a gun or car gets to close, be prepared to stop or floor it!
Hands on the wheel, engine revved, heart racing and…I’m off! Driving down a straight way and here it comes! A car is gaining on me from behind. A friend of mine is in the passenger side and they are pulling up alongside of me! He must have a gun! This bastard is going to pull a gun and shoot me…I just know it! and then he leans out the car and yells
“Hey Dude! Where’s Hooters?!!”
What the…? I’m expecting a gun and he screams “Where is Hooter’s?” Completely baffled, I look over at the instructor to make sure I heard this correctly “Did he just say “Where’s Hooters?””.
“Hey man, you’re the driver” he responds
Looking back over at the car, I mouth “what?”
“Hooters man! We want to get to Hooters! How do we get there?”
So with that I slammed on the brakes, threw the car in reverse, did a “Y turn” and “escaped.”
When the car was at a safe distance, the instructor looks over and says
“Why did you do that? What was so dangerous about him? Are you threatened by Hooters?”
Ignoring the double entendre of the last question, I calmly replied “Sir, there is no “Hooters” in Afghanistan, thus, it must have been a trap” and promptly gave my friend “the finger” when swapping out drivers.
In actuality, I think I would have done the same thing even if I was living in the US and a car pulled up and asked me the same question.
Regardless, I now have an update to that story….ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you….I was wrong…well, kind of.
During the first month I was here, I did find “Hooters” propaganda in Afghanistan and therefore it must exist…right?
The first photo you see is a “Hooters” calendar found in my wardrobe when I moved in.
The second photo is of the inside of one of our armored vehicles
So, I was mistaken. Hooters has found its way even to the regions of Afghanistan. And to those of you wondering “NO” I did not bring the propaganda with me.
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