the next meeting...

So as you may have gathered from my previous post, meetings can render somewhat “unexpected” results; especially if you don’t have the right interpreter.

The next meeting we had was to inspect a newly build detention “center” at the police station next door to the previous meeting (Diplomatic LSD).  We arrived and saw the “center” and talked to the guard who was very friendly and answered all the questions.  The captain wanted to take a photo of the center for the report, but the guard wouldn’t allow it, saying that we would need permission from the police chief first. 

Good answer!  Very impressive so far!

So we go inside the building to see if the chief of police would speak to us.  Fortunately for us, he was in and was discussing some problems with the village elders.  Hearing that we would like to speak with him as well, he asked the elders to leave so that he could speak about the “center” and other matters of business.  After we all took turns shaking hands and introducing ourselves (names, organizations, etc.) we sat down.  I sat farthest away from the chief as it wasn’t my meeting.  He then picks up a small “remote” and presses the button, but nothing seemed to happen.  The captain then proceeds to tell him how informative the guard outside was and how well he knew his orders.  The detention “center” was in order, clean and well kept.  All in all…a good message to the chief and a positive reflection on how he kept order.

The chief of police sat in his chair beaming at the praise and continued pressing his remote button.  I looked around but couldn’t see what he was trying to activate.

No air conditioner here.  No heater. What is he doing?

“uh..while we’re here…can you tell me about the lack of women on the force?” the captain continued

“I would love to have women working here!” he boastfully claimed “in fact, I have requested that one be stationed here as I need one to help address complaints made by women.  Because men cannot search women, we cannot allow them to come into the station and I always must talk to them on the street”

All of the sudden the door opens and guards come in carrying green tea and sweets for everyone.  After serving the tea the guard left and almost closed the door when the chief pressed the button again and then we heard the “ding dong”

A doorbell!  That is what he was pressing!  A doorbell was how he summoned people into his office without interrupting the conversation!  How highly neat! What a great meeting!  The detention “center” is well kept, he is open to women on the force, he is lively…

The captain then continued

“well, it is very refreshing to see that everything is going so well here.  Just to make sure, is there anything else that you think we can assist you with at this moment?”

“As I told your commander…I need tubes”

Oh boy, here we go again…trekin’ down the crazy trail

Obviously not expecting THAT comment, the captain blinked and leaned in a bit “w..w..what?”

“Tubes…you know long tubes”

“Tubes for what?”

“The water of course”

“Tubes for water?”

“yes, yes, for the ground…to get to the plants”

“you mean that you want something like...a garden hose?”

“yes, yes! That’s exactly what we need”

“are you sure about this?  A garden hose…for the flowers?”

“yes, but of course!! THAT is what we have been waiting for!”

“uh…ok, I’ll make note of that and I think we can arrange this for you.”

Yeah, that makes perfect sense.  We were talking about a drought next door and the police chief needs a gardening hose to…water the plants.  Funny, I didn’t see any faucets outside, but whatever…

Then all of the sudden the chief shot ramrod straight upright in chair with a wild look in eyes and points over in our direction

“Who…who is that?” he demanded waving his finger accusingly

Somewhat confused, Akmed looks over at the private and back at the captain “well, that is just the private taking notes so they don’t forget anything”

“no, no…the other one!  The Russian! What is the Russian doing here?” the chief exclaims.

Shocked by the sudden outburst, I swing my head left and right with a “deer in the headlights look” on my face, searching behind me for the phantom Russian.  Then I realized that he was pointing at…me.

What the hell is he talking about?  Not only did we already introduce ourselves and NOW he is confused on who I am!!  To make it more confusing this is the second time I have been accused of being a Russian in Afghanistan before I even opened my mouth.

“uh…he’s with USAID” Akmed slowly responded

“hmm…really?” the chief said narrowing his glare at me “U..S…AID…” he growls

Great! NOW Akmed remembers who I work for.  Actually, I felt like saying that I was a Russian and I was here to discuss the transition of Afghanistan...to the Russians.  Then again, the thought nice gentlemen at the door, loyal to the captain and with automatic weapons gave me a second to reflect on how sarcasm can be translated the wrong way and bite my tongue.

As the chief eased back into his chair “hmmmm…you know, with your beard and moustache, you remind me of…a SUFI (a practitioner of the inner, mystical dimension of Islam) !” he said sitting up again with a big, broad smile on his face.

Whoa! From Soviet to Sufi in 20 seconds flat! Nothing like a little schizophrenia to liven up a meeting. 

Needless to say we downed the tea and tried to wrap up the meeting as quickly as possible. 

The previous meeting was 2 hours…this one…20 minutes.

When we returned to base, we told the colonel about the visit and laughed (ahem) about the “Russian” comment.  Then the captain mentions the garden hose that the police chief requested and was wondering if and where to get one.

The colonel squinted his eyes and tried to make sense of the “garden hose” request

“wait…what did you say? What does he want?”

“a garden hose.  For the ground and flowers.  I asked him twice” the captain responded

“he doesn’t want a “garden hose” he wants a “drain pipe” and gutter so  the water to drain off the roof”

DOH! Ok, so “garden hose” “drain pipe”.  Kinda like “tomato” “tamaato” right?  Wait till I find Akmed…ggrrrr!

Just IMAGINE if we had showed up to the police chief’s office with garden hoses!

“TA DA!” we would cry out proudly!  Thumping our chests and patting each other on the back for yet another job well done.  And there the police chief would sit at his desk looking back and forth between the hoses and us and think that it was some sort of bizarre joke “what the…?  The Americans must be insane!  I ask for drain pipes and they give me a garden hose.  What do they want me to do? Nail this to the building?” 

“And if you like, we have 6 more in the truck!” we would continue on.  And after misunderstanding what he needed, he’d probably cut up the hoses into club length and use it as a “tool” on me in the detention “center”.

Actually, it wouldn't surprise me if that has been the biggest problem in Afghanistan...simply misunderstanding each other - wants, needs, expectations, etc. So always remember, what you think about others, they probably think about you.....garden hose!  DOH!