Expats....gotta hate 'em

So my internet was down last night and I was planning to write about Afghanistan when I started to remember a story about when I was in Korea.  Now when you live and work abroad you obviously meet other expats.  They come in all shapes and sizes and each with a story.  Some are there for the money, some are there because the company sent them, some are there for the adventure, some are there because they are running from the law (seriously), etc.  The thing about the expat community though is that it is a bit of a double edged sword in terms of your cultural experience and adaptability. 

 

That is, on one hand you don’t want to surround yourself with expats as you truly want to experience some cultural immersion and understand things from a different perspective.  On the other hand, it is nice to have a group of people with whom you can complain about with as they (theoretically) understand the situation as well.  

Of course, some of expats that you meet are perfectly normal, well-adjusted, upstanding citizens like myself (ahem), while other….not so much.  In any country you go to there is a small percentage of these expats that are a bit more “on the fringe” of society so to speak.  These are the type of people that you don’t know HOW they got that job in the first place.  In fact, you begin to wonder how they received any employment at all – abroad or Stateside.  The only explanation that I have is that it is “70% how you look, 20% how you say it, and 10% of what you actually say.”  You see, when you meet the “fringe expat,” you wonder “are you behaving this way and doing these things because you are abroad and feel that you can get away with here? Or are you REALLY this way and just couldn’t fit into the society of your home country?”

To illustrate.  I used to teach at a university in Seoul and in the office we had Mike “the voice” (he actually did voiceovers for documentaries), “Handsome Kevin” (drove a motorcycle and, well,...the girls swooned, so I guess he was "handsome"), the “Oklahoma Kid” (because he was…well…from Oklahoma) and me.  I don’t think I had a nickname, unless it was “the other one.” Anyway, it was hot, muggy, wake up sweating sort of day in July.  The kind of day where you have to wring your clothes out before you put them on.  To make it worse, I usually wore a suit and tie when I worked – you know…to keep up appearances.

So I trudge up the walkway to the university I worked at (this place was on top of a mountain (literally), pass the director’s office, say hello to director and students, go to my office (hmm..door is open, one of the guys must be there), pick up some papers that students have slid under the door, see naked man sitting at desk, go to my desk to put books down, find place for my backpack and…(pause)…wait a minute, let me just back up for a minute. What was that? A naked man sitting at his desk? Yes, it my colleague…phfft...and I use the term “colleague” loosely.  Ok! Let ‘s be honest and just call him an “office mate” – the “Oklahoma Kid” was sitting at in his chair with his feet up on the desk wearing only his underwear (briefs to be exact – not even boxers) and reading papers.

Now let me interrupt to discuss a few side points here.  It’s not the fact of being undressed that is the problem here.  No, no, I don’t consider myself puritanical or prudish when it comes to the au naturel.  I mean, this is perfectly acceptable attire, if in fact, not a bit overdressed for the “burning man” festival or a nude beach (both of which I’m sure are great experiences), but that’s not the issue per se.  This was more of a “time and place” sort of thing.  True, I may not be up on all the legalities and American social norms, but last time I was in the States there was a “no shirt, no shoes, no service” rule in place at most establishments and I’m pretty sure that there would be some rather strong wording about “no pants” in many institutions of higher education as well.

Then there is also this nagging little issue of hygiene going on.  The first reason that you are unclothed and exposed is because it is hot. And when you are hot, you are sweating – and please feel free to stop me if I am a bit amiss on the basics of biophysics here, so when you are at “burning man” or the beach your little microbes and their bacteria buddies are airborne and free to frolic and die.  Whereas when you indoors and sitting on faux leather they remain there – congregating, sharing their little bacteria water bottles without wiping the bottle first, promulgating and procreating all between the hot, sweaty flesh and the non-breathable material like drunk high school kids on prom night.  The whole concept is just icky! Even in gyms and healthclubs they want people to use towels on the equipment while working out AND wipe it down with a clean one before and after. 

Lastly, this might be the forum to bring an end to the briefs vs. boxers debate.  Look, It all depends on body form and how good a shape you are in. Ok?  Do we all understand that?  If you are a body builder or are in decent shape – then you can be allowed to wear briefs.  But if you don’t sport Brad Pitts abs, torso and legs…and you feel the need to remove your pants in public, well then mate, welcome to the world of boxers with the rest of us, ok?  It doesn’t matter whether you’re fat or skinny, just trust me and don’t do it.  

Yet, I digress….So there he is, not wearing clothes and grading papers.

“Uh…hi there” I said with a somewhat shocked and rather quizzical look

“hey” not looking up from his reading material

“what’s up?” (no double entendre, just trying to broach the subject)

“not much.”

“I’m not interrupting or anything, am I?” thinking maybe he forgot the door was open and would at least button up his shirt and put his pants on.

“No, not at all.  Kinda hot today isn’t it?”

“yeah, yeah…it is.” I said closing the door to the office.

Not looking up from his reading material “Hey, could you open the door again?  It lets a cross breeze in”

Not opening the door “Uh, sure…before I do that though…you know, just out of curiosity…did I miss the memo about “clothing optional consultation hours?”

“What? What do you mean?”

What do I mean?  This idiot is sitting damn near naked in the middle of our office during working hours and he asks me “What do I mean?”  This is when I look at that imaginary audience watching the sitcom of life and asked “is it ME? It’s HIM, right? And not me.  He’s out of place here!” 

“Well, I’m referring to the “public bathhouse” atmosphere that has seemed to appear in the office.  I mean casual is one thing, but I’m half expecting to find a pile of towels in the corner next to hot rocks and steam pit.  And I swear, if you offer me a massage…”

“well…it’s hot”

“yes that’s true, but most of us north of the equator have come to accept the concept that around this time, the month of July has had a tendency be that way since the advent of the Gregorian calendar.  Not terribly new and people like myself have not only grown to expect it, but have learned to take precautions by now as well.  Things like t-shirts, ice cream and cold drinks, etc. Plus, aren’t you like from Oklahoma or something? I would think that you would be used to hot weather by now.”

 “That’s a different kind a hot.  Back home it is dry heat”

“hmm…yes, “dry heat.”  I could fire up a butane torch and run it up and down you and you won’t feel a thing would you, right?  Look, no offense or anything, but to you think that it may be a bit….“ackward” if students – especially female students - walk in and your sitting here without your clothes on?  Moreover, how do you think the administration will take this? 

“What do you mean?”

Again “what do you mean?”!! “well…let me put it this way – if one – just one – female student freaks out at you wearing your skivvies while she is asking about verb conjugation (and Lord knows I was ready to freak out just having my conversation with him now), exactly how long do you think the administration will wait to fire your skinny ass and file indecent exposure charges against you?  And then, how long will the press wait before jumping all over this and headlines splashed across Seoul will read “American found giving naked consultations to students”?  Not only will you deported, but every foreigner will be labeled and eyed with even a stronger eye of suspicion than we already are.”

“Oh come on.  It wouldn’t be that bad”

“You think? They have riots in downtown Seoul when an American soldier leers at a waitress and you think that this won’t attract some attention?  If you don’t believe me, perhaps we can wait for Mike and Kevin and then we can all take it up with Hye Shim (our female director).  You know, ask her to come in for a meeting, have her undress, and we can all sit around in our “bare all” undies to really get to know each other and discuss the finer points of acceptability and legality in modern Korean society.  No more pesky social stigma between us.”

“Hey! It’s not like I’m teaching like this.  How will people find out?”

“Well, to start with…the open door might the first way that people could “sneak a peek” about what goes on in here.  That and the fact, that all four of us hold open consultation hours so anyone could just walk in at any time without notice.  But if that somehow managed to elude people, then perhaps the fact that you are currently sitting in front of wall of windows (6 and without curtains or blinds to be precise) facing the student building just might clue them in to what goes on here.  Not like they need to have great powers of deduction or a degree in criminology.”    

“Ok, ok, I’ll put my pants on” he grumbled and walked over to get his pants

“thank you” and he had no idea how much I meant that

As I unpacked my backpack, I began to wonder if the expression “alright, alright, keep your pants on!” had anything to do with a situation like this.