Ju vant vat?

 When living abroad, you miss certain things about home.  Things that are comfortable and familiar to you.  Things that bring you a little piece and harmony to your life in a world of chaos.  More often than not, this is food – “comfort food” I believe is the new term for this.  For me, “comfort food” is divided several categories: mother’s food, your own homemade food, the childhood staple and the special dish that you just can’t get anywhere else.  Now to explain, “mother’s” food is food that only your mother can make and you will very rarely have it as you must be at your parent’s house to have it.  For me, it would be dishes like “waterzooi” (more accurately viszooitje and not kippenwaterzooi), “tutespot”, homemade pâté, etc.  Homemade food is something like homemade pasta and fresh tomatoes and chilies from the garden.  Sure, you can try and make it in any country, but the problem is that you can’t always get the ingredients that you want (i.e. mozzarella, romano, parmesan, etc.).  The childhood staple is something like macaroni and cheese.  Not the expensive KRAFT brand mind you, but the cheap “3 for a dollar” kind.  To this day, much to my parent’s dismay, I love sitting down in a quiet house in front of a movie and eating M&C from the pot it was made in and not sharing it with anyone.  And that last one, the special food category is something like a Carvel ice cream cake, mo shu beef from Carl Chow’s “Bamboo Garden” restaurant (before he became “big” and commercial) or a bagel, lox and cream cheese. Cream cheese!  Who can forget cream cheese?!  Trust me, cream cheese on a lightly toasted bagel with lox and a slice of a beefsteak tomato, salt, pepper and a spritz of lemon juice...I'd kill a man for that.  THAT is a gift from the Gods!  Oye veh - the things that one misses when they are far from civilization – or a good delicatessen.  

For example, every time I go to the States for business, I search out for a deli.  When I say “deli” I mean a real deli – a true delicatessen and not a “chain deli.”  A delicatessen where they make the pickles, and understand that a corned beef sandwich is served on rye bread with mustard and not on white bread with mayonnaise - something that is a rare find in the US nowadays.  A little thing, but I’m talking about a bagel and lox!  This important, so one must search out these places even if it means walking around all day in the hot DC sun!   After all, I can think of no better way to spend the morning than a quiet place, cup of coffee, news (or any reading material for that matter) and a bagel with lox. 

So one time in 2009, I was in DC and began my epic search for a true delicatessen.  Uptown, downtown, the mall, I made a perimeter search around the hotel so I would know how long it would take me to get from my hotel to the deli the next morning and what did I find: overpriced, over decorated, over-the-top chain delis.  Not one real deli.  Not even one that pretended to be a real deli.  Just…corporate delis that were now known as “coffee houses” with neon lit billboard sized menu with over 400 types of coffee on it: “coffee Argentine” “café au lait” “espresso” “espresso latte” “espresso with a half twist” “American coffee” “coffee Americano” (there’s a difference?), “Old World roast” “New World roast” “French roast” “Dean Martin roast”, decaf, half decaf (phh…why bother?), iced latte, decaf Jamaican/Bavarian blend with black forest torte open fire roast, hint of mint, sprinkle of cinnamon and oregano, and bottles of syrups and thickeners.  Why the hell would anyone want syrup and thickeners in their coffee?  Well, you get the picture; there was A LOT of really overpriced coffee.  Sigh.  Having little option, I found one that was nearby and looked reasonable.

The place in question that I found was owned by “Snapple” I think, as they had a huge refrigerated section with 40 types of “Snapple” and “Snapple” related products – waters, ice teas, sodas, lemonades.  There was a sandwich bar (promising) that made sandwiches to order (yeah – corned beef, white bread, mayo) and salads to go, vegan candies, etc.  Don’t misunderstand me.  It was a nice place and I’m not against sprouts and avocados, but just not in a deli.  It’s like being in Tokyo and walking into a Japanese restaurant and being served fish and chips. But hey, it’s the new millennium and times are changing.  I’ve lived abroad.  I can adapt…until I saw their bagel bar.

I wanted to cry.  It was more like a delicatessen nightmare. A counter lined with 20 variations of cream cheese: whipped cream cheese, pineapple cream cheese, cream cheese with nuts, cream cheese with mango chunks, rocky road cream cheese, etc. and 23 varieties of bagels: whole wheat bagels, strawberry bagels, fruit snack bagels, gummi bear bagels.  You combine any of those cheeses on any of those bagels and you have shmutz on a shingle.  A bagel is not meant to be a sweet confectionary.  You want sweet – you eat a doughnut or bears claw.  A bagel is eaten with a cold sour pickle – not powdered sugar. But again, to each his own.   My logic was that if they have the courage to market and sell THAT to the poor and unsuspecting public (where was the FDA when you needed them?!) then they would have the basics that could satisfy my humble taste.

It became like the scene from Steve Martin’s “L.A. Story” where everyone is ordering

So the next day, I woke up early, bought a newspaper and went to the deli for a coffee and bagel with lox and tomato to take back to the hotel to rest and read in comfort and privacy.  I go to the counter and am greeted by a sweet, 20 something year old girl from someplace like Honduras, Bolivia or Uruguay - and ordered a "bagel with lox and a cup of coffee."

 "Que? Ju vant vat?" she responded (read her quotes with a Spanish accent).
 "A slightly toasted bagel with plain cream cheese, slice of tomato and lox." I repeated.
 "Vat es "lox"?  Vi have non "lox"?"
 "You have no lox?!"  I about passed out.  My angelic expression turns to deadpan "How can you NOT have lox?!"
 "Vat es "lox"?
 "What is lox?" (and notice how my grammar was becoming like her grammar) "Why..."lox" is fish"
 "FEEESH?!" - as though I just ordered a bagel covered in bat blood. “ju vant feeesh on bahel?!!” she asked incredulously.
 "Well, yeah...fish...salmon, a pink fish...." I timidly responded now afraid of upsetting the wait staff any more than I obviously had.

 "Oh...ju vant saamoni!  Ok, vi have saamoni!" flashing a gorgeous smile

“And a cup of coffee please”

“Vat kind ju like?”

“Black, no sugar” (I’ve been trying to cut back)

“Non, non, I mean, vat kind coffee ju like?” pointing to the board behind her

Oh please!! It was way too early in the morning to decide on my “variety” of coffee “uh…I don’t know.  Do you have just black coffee?”

“oh jes! Vat blend ju like?”

“What?” I blankly stared at her while my head screamed “make the questions stop!!”

“Vi have thpecthial 30% blend full roast Ethiopian today”

“What?...Wait…sure.  I’ll take that”

And ran off to get my order.

30% blend?  What is that?  What is the other 70%?  As I waited there, I began to think "and what was the problem with the bagel and lox? I can't be the first customer to order a bagel and lox here, right? I mean, it IS a deli after all.  I order "lox" and explain that it is fish and she freaks.  I order "salmon" and she is kosher with it.  What the hell does she think salmon is?  Last time I checked salmon was also a member of the fish family, right? Soooo, what exactly is lost in the translation here? Did she believe that the salmon meat that she saw in the little tray was some sort of gazelle that lopped majestically across lofty fields before it ended up on a bagel?  Well, whatever...as long as I get it" and OH BABY did I get it.

After about 3 minutes, the lovely little Latino wrapped up my bagel, presented it and my coffee to me with a coy little smile that spoke a "muchos gracias senior" without actually saying it and I took it over to the cashier and paid and outrageous amount for my “café du jour” and beloved bagel with lox…I mean “saamoni”. Now back to the hotel for quiet time with the newspaper, coffee and breakfast.
  

By the time I reach the hotel, I'm salivating like Pavlov's dog.  I can't wait to eat this.  I rush up to my room, fiddle with the key trying to get the door open as my fingers shake with anticipation, turn on the news, open the newspaper, sit down, take a sip of coffee (and honestly, having tasted that coffee and other coffees in my life, I can honestly tell you that I wouldn’t have known difference between this coffee and any cheap fast food coffee.  Ethiopian blend! Hah! Probably just Maxwell House).  Then, the moment of truth arrived I carefully unwrap my bagel and sink my teeth into what I believed was a labor of love....to taste something… not quite right.  The bagel - excellent.  Lightly toasted on the outside giving it that special crunch, yet soft in the inside. Cream cheese - Philadelphia baby!  Not too much, not too little.  The tomato - I swear grown with a patience and oversight of little old Dutch farm ladies in Iowa, who tenderly harvested with their own hands so as not to bruise them.  The lox...was not salmon, but was SALAMI!

 Freakin’ SALAMI! "OH Ye in the heavens above, why?  WHY have you done this to me?!" I cried out.  What sort of sick joke was this?!!  Who the hell wants a salami and bagel?  And add insult to injury - I paid for a bagel and lox which is twice more expensive!  Gracia por de nada! 

If you read this, please help me create a cause to bring back the great American delicatessen to ensure that this sort of thing can never happen again…bagel and salami….oh the horror!